Turn Back Around (Demo)

These lyrics arent completed yet but this is a rough draft of part of them, i just want to get some feedback

You turned your back on me
And you spun my head around
Now you’re walking away from me
Not making a sound
I don’t know if I should follow
Or go my own way
But since I don’t know
I guess I’ll just stay

As I sit here all alone
Not knowing what to say
I realize my love for you
Will never go away
The silence is encroaching
Its cold grip is renowned
As I see it approaching
I beg you to turn around

I guess you didn’t hear me
OR maybe you didn’t care
I wish that you could see
My breath frozen in the air
Now I’m standing in the cold rain
Jut waiting to be found
I’m trying to break your chains
By which I’m eternally bound......
Written by Josh Cowell

and thats it...wha tdo you think of them so far?

I like this part:

I wish that you could see
My breath frozen in the air

it has something in it.. something different..

many phrases you wrote are heard and seen anywhere, in every possible song, you turn your back you go away, i'm sad bla bla.. But this one has a stronger emotion than this part, for example:

As I sit here all alone
Not knowing what to say
I realize my love for you
Will never go away

You have a gift, but you should work more on it, it can really pay off.
I have a question by the way, what kind of song should this be? Some rock ballad or sth?

Best regards,

Adrienne.

wekk...when i wrote it originally i pistured it in my head as a song, but now i don't know. I think a rock ballad would work for it, but my friend writes some pretty crazy electronica/dance music so i might still go with that. What would you use it for? And i know I need to decide since I am the writer but I'd love to have feeback

Rock ballad definitely, that's why I suggested it at first hehe..
electronica/dance.. hmm I got used to very little text there... I think those two lines I like very much would sound much better in a rock ballad..

ok, yah im not exactly sure but I'll think about what to do with it. So what do you think I should do to improve the lyrics?

well I'd make it little less.. usual, already heard, and if I may say pathetic.. and make it unique.. I come back to those two lines again.


Which one of these would you make a chorus?

I was trying to sing it and give it a melody (dont laugh! ) and while I was singing the last part, i though that here:

I guess you didn’t hear me
OR maybe you didn’t care
I wish that you could see
My breath frozen in the air
Now I’m standing in the cold rain
Jut waiting to be found
I’m trying to break your chains
By which I’m eternally bound......

COLD should be left out.. But you have to consider that I'm not really an expert, so you should hear other opinions

yah i have some other people reviewing it actually =) but yah i dont know about the word cold in there. I just added it in originally to keep up the theme stated in the lines "I wish that you could see my breath frozen in the air." I've had differnet views on it and some people say its good and others dont.
but yah I've been told that i need to make it less original already, and I'v ebeen wqorking on it. The only struggle for me is that the music i listen to uses those kind of lines a lot and I just throw them in there and don't notice it. I love some of my lyrics because you can feel my emotion, but others are just bland. Its hard for me to make the song in all emotionally and imaginatively appealing. You know what i mean?

If the breath was already frozen it should be understood that the rain wasnt warm lol that's what I think.. Well maybe it would sound good in different melody from the one that i had in my head..
I understand the influence of other music and lyrics you hear, but if you follow your emotions and bring them all together in one song, maybe you get rid of the influence.

yah i see your point...ill work on that...l=and yah i guess the COLD rain thing is a little redundant then =P