need a proofreader for eglish thranslations of russian songs

This one was not so easy. I'm still struggling with a couple of lines. I think there is still some way to improve them. For now I'll post what I've come up with so far, but maybe you or someone else can make other suggestions ...

My suggestions/variants are in blue. I also use red or red asterisks ** to indicate lines or words that I'm still not sure about.

And I put some of my comments/explanations in grey, just trying to soften the visual mess .....

ВЕДЬМА \ WITCH

Original lyrics by V. Papivin

A Cupid’s arrow hit your heart
... A Cupid's arrow pierced your heart
You didn’t feel that aching smart
... You didn't feel the aching start
That knocked forever out of paradise**
... That knocked you forever out of Paradise
... That knocked you down from your Paradise

The Moon came down to bloody mist
... The Moon came down in bloody mist
... Witching Moon poured (a) bloody mist
You couldn’t comprehend the gist
The night air stood all still until sunrise
... The night air ceased to stir 'til sunrise*
... The night imposed its calm until sunrise**
** (seems like there should be a better word for rhyme, but so far I can't think of it ...)

Your destiny leads you ahead
... Your destiny leads you on ahead
... (might seem redundant, but it seems better to me)
You can’t make out*** the good from bad
You can’t see things coz you have lost your eye
... (maybe) You can't perceive, cuz you've lost your eye

That much you loved in that night time
... So much you loved in that dark night
You were a witch, you were a witch
You were a witch, coz you could (you could) fly
... You were a witch, and you could (you could) fly
... (sounds a little better to me, like a natural progression)

Recall this reckless crazy night
... Recall this crazy reckless night
... (slightly more poetic redundancy)
Recall your headlong thoughtless flight
... Recall your thoughtless headlong flight
... (same as above)
Is it indeed you feel no more that free?**
... Indeed you feel not a bit more free?
This dream might come again to you
And take you back to midnight woods
Where dance and howl
... To dance and howl
And fire under the trees
... In flames of burning trees
... Among the burning trees

The fuss and rush, and empty space
... The rush and fuss in empty space
The miracle of that night race
... The miracle of your midnight race
Will not revive your hungering for love
... Will not revive your craving for love... Will not renew your craving for love

That much you loved just that night
... So much you loved just that night
You were a witch, you were a witch
You were a witch, coz you could (you could) fly
... You were a witch, and you could (you could) fly

*** "make out" is good, or at least ok. And "the" is optional, no necessary. But other verb choices are:
...... perceive (the)
...... discern (the)
...... separate
...... distinguish
...... determine
...... fathom

I'm sure this post is too complicated. Give me a little more time, maybe for other suggestions from you or others, and then I'll clean it up

Sorry Jandros, I misled you with the forst verse. It shoul be read as:

Влетела в сердце навсегда
Стрела амура сквозь века
И выбила из рая в ад тебя

An arrow of Cupid
Has flown into your heart thru the ages
And knocked you to the hell out of the paradise


Thanks for your ideas...
I'm trying to work on your remarks...

I tried to use all your advice where it was possible rhytmically. How's that?

ВЕДЬМА \ WITCH

A Cupid's arrow pierced your heart
You didn't feel the aching start
That knocked you out from Hell to Paradise

The Moon came down in bloody mist
You couldn’t comprehend the gist
The night imposed its calm until sunrise

Your destiny leads you ahead
You can’t make out the good from bad
You can’t perceive coz you have lost your eye

So much you loved in that dark night
You were a witch, you were a witch
You were a witch, and you could (you could) fly

Recall this crazy reckless night
Recall your thoughtless headlong flight
Is it indeed you feel no more that free?
This dream might come again to you
And take you back to midnight woods
To dance and howl
And hoot among the trees

The rush and fuss in empty space
The miracle of midnight race
Will not revive your passion and desire

So much you loved just that one night
You were a witch, you were a witch
You were a witch, and you could (you could) fly

Thanks for that other rendition of the Russian Alexei. But now I might be a little confused. It seems like there are 2 opposing possibilities for the result of Cupid's arrow:

... the person is happy about it, thrust into Paradise, or
... the person is disturbed by it, thrown off balance, knocked out of Paradise.

Do you know which one of those the singer might prefer? It really only matters for the first verse, line 3. But it could also possibly affect the second verse, line 3. But just possibly, not necessarily.

I'll go ahead and offer variants for the 2 opposing possibilities. Very important: If the second variant is preferred, it must be used exactly the way I write it. It's an extremely common expression, and it would sound terrible if it's not exactly correct.

A Cupid's arrow pierced your heart
You didn't feel the aching start
That knocked you out from Hell to Paradise
... ("out" is awkward) That knocked you from Hell into Paradise(?)
... That knocked you the hell out of Paradise

Just for illustration: Another example of the 2nd variant is "You scared the hell out of me." It doesn't make perfect sense in English, so you shoudn't try to translate it literally

I do have a couple of other important suggestions. But actually I need just a little more time to think about one of the other lines.

I am sorry. the original meaning was that she was thrown from paradice to hell. Let's say her life was balanced etc, but due to this arrow, all went wrong.

"That put you right to hell from parandise" maybe?

No problem Alexei. On the other hand I should apologize for taking so long. This week has almost been chaos for me, and I haven't been able to find 20-30 minutes to concentrate on this. Only when I was too tired to think! But I'll try to sit down with this tonight.

Originally Posted by Alexei

I am sorry. the original meaning was that she was thrown from paradice to hell. Let's say her life was balanced etc, but due to this arrow, all went wrong.

"That put you right to hell from parandise" maybe?

I think this is good, but with this phrase, there are better verbs to use instead of "put". Something with a little more specific action is called for here...

The word "drove" is a very common clichè for this kind of phrase: "That drove you right to hell from Paradise." It might seem a little more awkward, but it's definitely more appropriate.

I also advise (strongly) a couple of other changes. I suggest 2 or 3 other options as follows:

Recall this crazy reckless night
Recall your thoughtless headlong flight
Is it indeed you feel no more that free?
... (the word "that" is completely wrong, or maybe it's just out of place...)
... Is it indeed that you no longer feel free?
... (this variant is much more contemporary: )
... Is it just that you no longer feel free?
This dream might come again to you
And take you back to midnight woods
To dance and howl
And hoot among the trees
... ("hoot" is awkward in the last line)
... Try this for the last 2 lines: )
... To hoot and howl
... And dance among the trees

I'm still not completely sure about the last 2 lines. But the 3rd line definitely needs a change.

Edit:
Actually I just realized something: I think I was making a bad error in my understanding of line 3 above. I edited it to make the meaning more clear and correct in English.

Edit #2:
If the rhythm of line 3 needs a little more, try adding the word "so", as follows:

... Is it indeed that you no longer feel so free?
... Is it just that you no longer feel so free?

Maybe that's even closer to the intended meaning ... maybe "so" is the word you were looking for, instead of "that"?

I hope all of this is not too confusing! I've almost confused myself

Thank you Jandros, I agree with all your changes.
I'm gonna make all correctionas and contact the singer.
I like how you did feel the meaning of the song.