need a proofreader for eglish thranslations of russian songs

I've translated a number of Russian songs in English, but being not a native speaker, I need a proofreader. May consider to list as a co-author.

Originally Posted by Alexei

I've translated a number of Russian songs in English, but being not a native speaker, I need a proofreader. May consider to list as a co-author.

if u need help,so u can ask

Sure, it's one of the songs. But I'm pretty sure she\he is to be a real native speaker.

PEACE STREET

We wanted to live
In the Pease Street apartments
We wanted to keep
Unattached our souls
We wanted to keep up to date
Our lifestyles
But shells on the pavements
Have poisoned our wine bowls
We laughed and we chuckled
At all things around
We studied to factor
And multiply numbers
We had no idea
That soon we would count
Our casualties under
Artillery rumbles
Among the sky-blue peaks!

We had our plans
And we had expectations
Been dreaming of love
And successful careers
We wanted to live
With no drawn swords
With no thunderstorms and
With no night-time fears
We used to miss lessons
And did not see omens
We used to watch movies
With that blood and horrors
Not knowing that soon we
Would be bitten pawns
Not knowing that soon we
Would feel own sorrows
We had no such bad dreams!

Originally Posted by Alexei

Sure, it's one of the songs. But I'm pretty sure she\he is to be a real native speaker.

PEACE STREET

We wanted to live
In the Pease Street apartments
We wanted to keep
Unattached our souls
We wanted to keep up to date
Our lifestyles
But shells on the pavements
Have poisoned our wine bowls
We laughed and we chuckled
At all things around
We studied to factor
And multiply numbers
We had no idea
That soon we would count
Our casualties under
Artillery rumbles
Among the sky-blue peaks!

We had our plans
And we had expectations
Been dreaming of love
And successful careers
We wanted to live
With no drawn swords
With no thunderstorms and
With no night-time fears
We used to miss lessons
And did not see omens
We used to watch movies
With that blood and horrors
Not knowing that soon we
Would be bitten pawns
Not knowing that soon we
Would feel own sorrows
We had no such bad dreams!

and u need translate it in russian or..?? i cant figure out

If I get it right, you should proofread it But that'll be hard without the original lyrics of course

Originally Posted by Steena

If I get it right, you should proofread it But that'll be hard without the original lyrics of course

so hard cause im not telepathist

Thanks for the interest in the matter. Here is the original lyrics. May provide a word-by-word translation.

По улице Мира в закатное небо... / Peace Street

По улице Мира
В закатное небо
Уходит волна
Ожиданий и судеб,
Уходят ребята
С большой перемены,
Уходят затем,
Чтобы выбиться в люди.
Рассветы летят
Незаметно для многих,
И это кино мы
С тобой проглядели.
А вслед улыбаются
Годы-дороги,
Дороги, которые
Не надоели
Среди голубых вершин.

По улице Мира
В закатное небо
Уходит волна
Ожиданий и судеб,
Уходят ребята
С большой перемены,
Уходят затем,
Чтобы выбиться в люди.
Рассветы летят
Незаметно для многих,
И это кино мы
С тобой проглядели.
А вслед улыбаются
Годы-дороги,
Дороги, которые
Не надоели
Среди голубых вершин.

Мы долго смеялись
Над тем и над этим,
Мы долго учились
Раскладывать числа,
Но то, что придется
Считать наши смерти,
Не думали мы,
Что такое случится.
Мы часто сбегали
С уроков на фильмы,
Где - улица, кровь
И герой на прицеле,
Но чтобы самим
Оказаться в пучине
Надежною пешкой
Чужой параллели -
Не снилось и в страшных снах!

Мы очень хотели
Остаться собою,
По улице Мира
Идти мерным шагом
Со временем в ногу
И в сердце с любовью
И не обнажая
Ни душу, ни шпагу.
Но только прицел
Наступающей бури
И гильзы на гладком,
Сухом тротуаре
Устроили так,
Чтобы мы не вернулись,
И кто-то в молчанье
Склонившись над нами
Так и не сказал: "Прощай!"

sooooooo here u go

Originally Posted by Alexei

Thanks for the interest in the matter. Here is the original lyrics. May provide a word-by-word translation.

По улице Мира в закатное небо... / along by street of peace in sunset sky

По улице Мира along by street of peace
В закатное небо in sunset sky
Уходит волна oжиданий и судеб, wave of expectations and destines
Уходят ребята go away guys
С большой перемены, from big break
Уходят затем, go away cause
Чтобы выбиться в люди. they want to become people
Рассветы летят dawns fly
Незаметно для многих, so quickly for some people
И это кино мы and this movie
С тобой проглядели. we didnt see with u
А вслед улыбаются годы-дороги, years-roads keep smilin behind us
Дороги, которые roads which
Не надоели didnt bother for us
Среди голубых вершин. between blue tops


Мы долго смеялись we laughed so long
Над тем и над этим, about this and that
Мы долго учились we learnt so long
Раскладывать числа, lay the numbers
Но то, что придется but we didnt know
Считать наши смерти, we would count our deaths
Не думали мы, we didnt think
Что такое случится. that it would happened
Мы часто сбегали we often went
С уроков на фильмы, to the cinema istead of lessons
Где - улица, кровь where street is blood
И герой на прицеле, and hero is on breech-sight
Но чтобы самим but we didnt know
Оказаться в пучине we would be in depth
Надежною пешкой like a true pawn of
Чужой параллели foreigh parallel
Не снилось и в страшных снах! we didnt see even in bad dreams

Мы очень хотели we wanted so much
Остаться собою, be ourselves
По улице Мира along by street of peace
Идти мерным шагом went cadence
Со временем в ногу together with time
И в сердце с любовью and with love in heart
И не обнажая didnt show
Ни душу, ни шпагу. neither soul no sword
Но только прицел but only breech-sight of
Наступающей бури coming storm
И гильзы на гладком, and shell on smooth
Сухом тротуаре dry sidewalk
Устроили так, did everything
Чтобы мы не вернулись, that we didnt come back
И кто-то в молчанье and somebody in silence
Склонившись над нами stoop over us
Так и не сказал: "Прощай!" even didnt say"good bye"!

Мне не нужен английский подстрочник, мне нужна проверка и литературная правка моего эквиритмического (поющегося) перевода на английский.

I don't need a translation. I just want somebody to check (to edit, to proofread) the English version.

Alexei, the English version looks very good. I can only see one misspelled word: On the second line, Pease should be spelled Peace. In the Title, you spelled it correctly.

Phrases are also good, and even a bit elegant. I can't see any other problems at all. Nice work, очень хороший перевод

Originally Posted by Alexei

...

We used to watch movies
With that blood and horrors

After re-reading, I suggest 1 other small change:

The word "that" is used as an article (a/an/the), and in this case, it's a very good subsitute for "the". But "that" is singular, for the singular noun "blood". It's perfectly correct. But "horrors" is plural, so you might want to say "the horrors" (or "those horrors"), just to be clear and correct in grammar. Thus, "With that blood and the horrors".

I agree with you jandros "With the blood and horrors" is more apropriate.

The next song belongs to Russian bards Ivashchenko and Vasiliev.
I will be very gratefull for any comments left by English native speakers.

TIME

Under the sound or rustling tires
To say the last “Goodbye” for life
To exchange hours for kilometers
At a proportion one to five
We’ll out-argue ground spaces
We shall go as far as we can
And sink in salty ocean water
The trendy watch “Made in Japan”

Chorus:

Ah vremya, vremya, temp and tempo, zeit and time
We don’t count it, don’t count, don’t count
We squander it on different things, until our hair is grey and thin
Until we spend in vain our last and final dime

It’s easy to throw pearls* around
It’s easy to break our routine
To be perfectly independent
Of balances, gears, and springs
To waste the seconds with no reason
On rubbish stuff and bagatelles
To lose our minutes every hour
Under the sound of ringing bells

(Chorus)

To search for love with no progress
Day after day, year after year
Until we get into time trouble,
Get fired into nowhere
The Valday* bell again is jingling
It doesn’t let us slow our pace
And we, not counting passing hours,
Just carry on our crazy race

_________
* area in Russia, known for small bells for harnesses.

To Propel and jandros
Thank you very much, guys, for your comments. I got greatly inspired by them, cos you were the first native speakers to read my texts. Sure I'll made the correction you recommended. The song you proofred belonds to Tatyana Korolyova, a Russian bard (www.koroliova.ru), all her songs, including "По улице мира" may be downloaded from her site free. I am sure she will record sometime the English version too for English speaking people.

The original words of Time. Just in case.

Время.

Под шорох шин, под рокот ветра
Послать последнее: "Прости".
Менять часы на километры
В пропорции один к пяти.
И твердь земную переспорить,
Достичь прибрежной полосы.
И утопить в пучине моря
Свои японские часы.

Ах, время, время, temp и tempo, zeit и time.
Мы не считаем, не считаем, не считаем.
Его транжирим так и сяк, пока источник не иссяк,
Пока манят нас фонари "Парижских тайн".

Легко метать в мгновенье бисер,
Безбожно нарушать режим
И не зависеть, не зависеть
От маятников и пружин.
Швырять секунды понапрасну
На ерунду, на дребедень;
Терять минуты ежечасно,
Сорить часами каждый день.

Искать любви, как ветра в поле,
День изо дня, за годом год.
Пока нас время не уволит,
Пока нас не сразит цейтнот.
Ах, колокольчик - дар Валдая,
Нам не дает замедлить бег.
И мы, часов не наблюдая,
Теряем головы на век.

Originally Posted by Alexei

The next song belongs to Russian bards Ivashchenko and Vasiliev.
I will be very gratefull for any comments left by English native speakers.

TIME

Under the sound or rustling tires
To say the last “Goodbye” for life
To exchange hours for kilometers
At a proportion one to five
We’ll out-argue ground spaces
We shall go as far as we can
And sink in salty ocean water
The trendy watch “Made in Japan”

Chorus:

Ah vremya, vremya, temp and tempo, zeit and time
We don’t count it, don’t count, don’t count
We squander it on different things, until our hair is grey and thin
Until we spend in vain our last and final dime

It’s easy to throw pearls* around
It’s easy to break our routine
To be perfectly independent
Of balances, gears, and springs
To waste the seconds with no reason
On rubbish stuff and bagatelles
To lose our minutes every hour
Under the sound of ringing bells

(Chorus)

To search for love with no progress
Day after day, year after year
Until we get into time trouble,
Get fired into nowhere
The Valday* bell again is jingling
It doesn’t let us slow our pace
And we, not counting passing hours,
Just carry on our crazy race

_________
* area in Russia, known for small bells for harnesses.

I will do this one

Under the sound or rustling tires
Maybe change it to "..sound of rustling tires"

Thanks a lot. Sure, you are right. It's my stupid mistake. Has to be "Of", of course.
How about the rest? Does it sound strange?

Here is an version of another song of Ivashchenko and Vasiliev. I'll be gratefull for any comments on the test.

PINE

Я хочу быть высокой сосною,
Чтобы жизнь не прошла впопыхах,
Чтоб знакомый орел надо мною
Ежедневно парил в небесах.

I would like to become a tall pine-tree
Cos I don’t wanna live hurriedly
Because I want the eagle acquainted
To glide high in the sky above me

Чтоб корнями широко раздаться
И стоять, не считая года,
Чтобы шишками сверху кидаться
Без опаски попасть не туда.

I would like my roots widely moved out
My life-time I do not want to count
I want to throw my cones down without
Any risk to get a man around

Я хочу быть высокой сосною,
Чтоб бездельничать век напролет,
По утрам не расчесывать хвою
И мыться, пока не польет.

I would like to become a tall pine-tree
To forget all the sorrows and pains
To not brush my coniferous hair
And not wash till it actually rains

Чтоб не ведать конца и начала
И не видеть асфальта в огне,
Чтоб шуметь о своем величаво,
Не заботясь о завтрашнем дне.

To not know the start or the final
To forget city noises and fumes
To not think much about tomorrow
To enjoy living space with no rooms

Я хочу быть высокой сосною,
Чтобы время катилось рекой,
Чтобы ты, проходя подо мною,
По коре проводила рукой.

I would like to become a tall pine-tree
To be perfectly gentle and calm
When you, hidden in shade of my needles,
Touch my bark with your delicate palm

Originally Posted by Alexei

Thanks a lot. Sure, you are right. It's my stupid mistake. Has to be "Of", of course.
How about the rest? Does it sound strange?

Alexei, thanks for the link for Korolyova.
I think the rest of "Time" sounds very nice! Again a good rendition/translation for lyrics.

About Pine, just 3 things:

2nd verse, "I would like my roots widely moved out": You can also say "moved widely out". Both are correct, but it seems more poetic to reverse the order of 2 words. But maybe it depends on the rhythm of the lyricsm the song? ... again, both are correct. But "moved widely out" sounds a little better.

2nd verse again: "Life-time" should be written as "lifetime".

4th verse, "To not know the start or the final", change "final" to finish". Explanation: "Finish" can be noun or verb. "Final" can also be a noun or adjective. But in this case, it's better to use the noun "finish", because it is far more common to say "the start and the finish".

Everything else sounds great. In fact, my suggestions are very very minor, just "petty details" for perfection