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  1. #1
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    Smile need a proofreader for eglish thranslations of russian songs

    I've translated a number of Russian songs in English, but being not a native speaker, I need a proofreader. May consider to list as a co-author.

  2. #2
    Senior Member i'm little one's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alexei View Post
    I've translated a number of Russian songs in English, but being not a native speaker, I need a proofreader. May consider to list as a co-author.
    if u need help,so u can ask

  3. #3
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    Sure, it's one of the songs. But I'm pretty sure she\he is to be a real native speaker.

    PEACE STREET

    We wanted to live
    In the Pease Street apartments
    We wanted to keep
    Unattached our souls
    We wanted to keep up to date
    Our lifestyles
    But shells on the pavements
    Have poisoned our wine bowls
    We laughed and we chuckled
    At all things around
    We studied to factor
    And multiply numbers
    We had no idea
    That soon we would count
    Our casualties under
    Artillery rumbles
    Among the sky-blue peaks!

    We had our plans
    And we had expectations
    Been dreaming of love
    And successful careers
    We wanted to live
    With no drawn swords
    With no thunderstorms and
    With no night-time fears
    We used to miss lessons
    And did not see omens
    We used to watch movies
    With that blood and horrors
    Not knowing that soon we
    Would be bitten pawns
    Not knowing that soon we
    Would feel own sorrows
    We had no such bad dreams!

  4. #4
    Senior Member i'm little one's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alexei View Post
    Sure, it's one of the songs. But I'm pretty sure she\he is to be a real native speaker.

    PEACE STREET

    We wanted to live
    In the Pease Street apartments
    We wanted to keep
    Unattached our souls
    We wanted to keep up to date
    Our lifestyles
    But shells on the pavements
    Have poisoned our wine bowls
    We laughed and we chuckled
    At all things around
    We studied to factor
    And multiply numbers
    We had no idea
    That soon we would count
    Our casualties under
    Artillery rumbles
    Among the sky-blue peaks!

    We had our plans
    And we had expectations
    Been dreaming of love
    And successful careers
    We wanted to live
    With no drawn swords
    With no thunderstorms and
    With no night-time fears
    We used to miss lessons
    And did not see omens
    We used to watch movies
    With that blood and horrors
    Not knowing that soon we
    Would be bitten pawns
    Not knowing that soon we
    Would feel own sorrows
    We had no such bad dreams!
    and u need translate it in russian or..?? i cant figure out

  5. #5
    Moderator Steena's Avatar
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    If I get it right, you should proofread it But that'll be hard without the original lyrics of course
    होता है जो होना है ... वक़्त ही शायद खुदा है ...
    कौन कहता है आदमी अपनी किस्मत खुद लिखता है?

  6. #6
    Senior Member i'm little one's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Steena View Post
    If I get it right, you should proofread it But that'll be hard without the original lyrics of course
    so hard cause im not telepathist

  7. #7
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    Thanks for the interest in the matter. Here is the original lyrics. May provide a word-by-word translation.

    По улице Мира в закатное небо... / Peace Street

    По улице Мира
    В закатное небо
    Уходит волна
    Ожиданий и судеб,
    Уходят ребята
    С большой перемены,
    Уходят затем,
    Чтобы выбиться в люди.
    Рассветы летят
    Незаметно для многих,
    И это кино мы
    С тобой проглядели.
    А вслед улыбаются
    Годы-дороги,
    Дороги, которые
    Не надоели
    Среди голубых вершин.

    По улице Мира
    В закатное небо
    Уходит волна
    Ожиданий и судеб,
    Уходят ребята
    С большой перемены,
    Уходят затем,
    Чтобы выбиться в люди.
    Рассветы летят
    Незаметно для многих,
    И это кино мы
    С тобой проглядели.
    А вслед улыбаются
    Годы-дороги,
    Дороги, которые
    Не надоели
    Среди голубых вершин.

    Мы долго смеялись
    Над тем и над этим,
    Мы долго учились
    Раскладывать числа,
    Но то, что придется
    Считать наши смерти,
    Не думали мы,
    Что такое случится.
    Мы часто сбегали
    С уроков на фильмы,
    Где - улица, кровь
    И герой на прицеле,
    Но чтобы самим
    Оказаться в пучине
    Надежною пешкой
    Чужой параллели -
    Не снилось и в страшных снах!

    Мы очень хотели
    Остаться собою,
    По улице Мира
    Идти мерным шагом
    Со временем в ногу
    И в сердце с любовью
    И не обнажая
    Ни душу, ни шпагу.
    Но только прицел
    Наступающей бури
    И гильзы на гладком,
    Сухом тротуаре
    Устроили так,
    Чтобы мы не вернулись,
    И кто-то в молчанье
    Склонившись над нами
    Так и не сказал: "Прощай!"

  8. #8
    Senior Member i'm little one's Avatar
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    sooooooo here u go

    Quote Originally Posted by Alexei View Post
    Thanks for the interest in the matter. Here is the original lyrics. May provide a word-by-word translation.

    По улице Мира в закатное небо... / along by street of peace in sunset sky

    По улице Мира along by street of peace
    В закатное небо in sunset sky
    Уходит волна oжиданий и судеб, wave of expectations and destines
    Уходят ребята go away guys
    С большой перемены, from big break
    Уходят затем, go away cause
    Чтобы выбиться в люди. they want to become people
    Рассветы летят dawns fly
    Незаметно для многих, so quickly for some people
    И это кино мы and this movie
    С тобой проглядели. we didnt see with u
    А вслед улыбаются годы-дороги, years-roads keep smilin behind us
    Дороги, которые roads which
    Не надоели didnt bother for us
    Среди голубых вершин. between blue tops


    Мы долго смеялись we laughed so long
    Над тем и над этим, about this and that
    Мы долго учились we learnt so long
    Раскладывать числа, lay the numbers
    Но то, что придется but we didnt know
    Считать наши смерти, we would count our deaths
    Не думали мы, we didnt think
    Что такое случится. that it would happened
    Мы часто сбегали we often went
    С уроков на фильмы, to the cinema istead of lessons
    Где - улица, кровь where street is blood
    И герой на прицеле, and hero is on breech-sight
    Но чтобы самим but we didnt know
    Оказаться в пучине we would be in depth
    Надежною пешкой like a true pawn of
    Чужой параллели foreigh parallel
    Не снилось и в страшных снах! we didnt see even in bad dreams

    Мы очень хотели we wanted so much
    Остаться собою, be ourselves
    По улице Мира along by street of peace
    Идти мерным шагом went cadence
    Со временем в ногу together with time
    И в сердце с любовью and with love in heart
    И не обнажая didnt show
    Ни душу, ни шпагу. neither soul no sword
    Но только прицел but only breech-sight of
    Наступающей бури coming storm
    И гильзы на гладком, and shell on smooth
    Сухом тротуаре dry sidewalk
    Устроили так, did everything
    Чтобы мы не вернулись, that we didnt come back
    И кто-то в молчанье and somebody in silence
    Склонившись над нами stoop over us
    Так и не сказал: "Прощай!" even didnt say"good bye"!

  9. #9
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    Мне не нужен английский подстрочник, мне нужна проверка и литературная правка моего эквиритмического (поющегося) перевода на английский.

  10. #10
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    I don't need a translation. I just want somebody to check (to edit, to proofread) the English version.

  11. #11
    Senior Member jandros's Avatar
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    Alexei, the English version looks very good. I can only see one misspelled word: On the second line, Pease should be spelled Peace. In the Title, you spelled it correctly.

    Phrases are also good, and even a bit elegant. I can't see any other problems at all. Nice work, очень хороший перевод
    Last edited by jandros; 01-04-2009 at 08:55 PM.
    Having problems with vertigo for 2-3 days ... it's temporary, a mild case and it will pass, but for now I can't stay on the computer as much as normal :-/ ...

  12. #12
    Senior Member jandros's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alexei View Post
    ...

    We used to watch movies
    With that blood and horrors
    After re-reading, I suggest 1 other small change:

    The word "that" is used as an article (a/an/the), and in this case, it's a very good subsitute for "the". But "that" is singular, for the singular noun "blood". It's perfectly correct. But "horrors" is plural, so you might want to say "the horrors" (or "those horrors"), just to be clear and correct in grammar. Thus, "With that blood and the horrors".
    Having problems with vertigo for 2-3 days ... it's temporary, a mild case and it will pass, but for now I can't stay on the computer as much as normal :-/ ...

  13. #13
    Senior Member PROPEL's Avatar
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    I agree with you jandros "With the blood and horrors" is more apropriate.

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    The next song belongs to Russian bards Ivashchenko and Vasiliev.
    I will be very gratefull for any comments left by English native speakers.

    TIME

    Under the sound or rustling tires
    To say the last “Goodbye” for life
    To exchange hours for kilometers
    At a proportion one to five
    We’ll out-argue ground spaces
    We shall go as far as we can
    And sink in salty ocean water
    The trendy watch “Made in Japan”

    Chorus:

    Ah vremya, vremya, temp and tempo, zeit and time
    We don’t count it, don’t count, don’t count
    We squander it on different things, until our hair is grey and thin
    Until we spend in vain our last and final dime

    It’s easy to throw pearls* around
    It’s easy to break our routine
    To be perfectly independent
    Of balances, gears, and springs
    To waste the seconds with no reason
    On rubbish stuff and bagatelles
    To lose our minutes every hour
    Under the sound of ringing bells

    (Chorus)

    To search for love with no progress
    Day after day, year after year
    Until we get into time trouble,
    Get fired into nowhere
    The Valday* bell again is jingling
    It doesn’t let us slow our pace
    And we, not counting passing hours,
    Just carry on our crazy race

    _________
    * area in Russia, known for small bells for harnesses.

  15. #15
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    To Propel and jandros
    Thank you very much, guys, for your comments. I got greatly inspired by them, cos you were the first native speakers to read my texts. Sure I'll made the correction you recommended. The song you proofred belonds to Tatyana Korolyova, a Russian bard (www.koroliova.ru), all her songs, including "По улице мира" may be downloaded from her site free. I am sure she will record sometime the English version too for English speaking people.

  16. #16
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    The original words of Time. Just in case.

    Время.

    Под шорох шин, под рокот ветра
    Послать последнее: "Прости".
    Менять часы на километры
    В пропорции один к пяти.
    И твердь земную переспорить,
    Достичь прибрежной полосы.
    И утопить в пучине моря
    Свои японские часы.

    Ах, время, время, temp и tempo, zeit и time.
    Мы не считаем, не считаем, не считаем.
    Его транжирим так и сяк, пока источник не иссяк,
    Пока манят нас фонари "Парижских тайн".

    Легко метать в мгновенье бисер,
    Безбожно нарушать режим
    И не зависеть, не зависеть
    От маятников и пружин.
    Швырять секунды понапрасну
    На ерунду, на дребедень;
    Терять минуты ежечасно,
    Сорить часами каждый день.

    Искать любви, как ветра в поле,
    День изо дня, за годом год.
    Пока нас время не уволит,
    Пока нас не сразит цейтнот.
    Ах, колокольчик - дар Валдая,
    Нам не дает замедлить бег.
    И мы, часов не наблюдая,
    Теряем головы на век.

  17. #17
    Senior Member PROPEL's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alexei View Post
    The next song belongs to Russian bards Ivashchenko and Vasiliev.
    I will be very gratefull for any comments left by English native speakers.

    TIME

    Under the sound or rustling tires
    To say the last Goodbye for life
    To exchange hours for kilometers
    At a proportion one to five
    Well out-argue ground spaces
    We shall go as far as we can
    And sink in salty ocean water
    The trendy watch Made in Japan

    Chorus:

    Ah vremya, vremya, temp and tempo, zeit and time
    We dont count it, dont count, dont count
    We squander it on different things, until our hair is grey and thin
    Until we spend in vain our last and final dime

    Its easy to throw pearls* around
    Its easy to break our routine
    To be perfectly independent
    Of balances, gears, and springs
    To waste the seconds with no reason
    On rubbish stuff and bagatelles
    To lose our minutes every hour
    Under the sound of ringing bells

    (Chorus)

    To search for love with no progress
    Day after day, year after year
    Until we get into time trouble,
    Get fired into nowhere
    The Valday* bell again is jingling
    It doesnt let us slow our pace
    And we, not counting passing hours,
    Just carry on our crazy race

    _________
    * area in Russia, known for small bells for harnesses.


    I will do this one

    Under the sound or rustling tires
    Maybe change it to "..sound of rustling tires"

  18. #18
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    Thanks a lot. Sure, you are right. It's my stupid mistake. Has to be "Of", of course.
    How about the rest? Does it sound strange?

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    Here is an version of another song of Ivashchenko and Vasiliev. I'll be gratefull for any comments on the test.

    PINE

    Я хочу быть высокой сосною,
    Чтобы жизнь не прошла впопыхах,
    Чтоб знакомый орел надо мною
    Ежедневно парил в небесах.

    I would like to become a tall pine-tree
    Cos I don’t wanna live hurriedly
    Because I want the eagle acquainted
    To glide high in the sky above me

    Чтоб корнями широко раздаться
    И стоять, не считая года,
    Чтобы шишками сверху кидаться
    Без опаски попасть не туда.

    I would like my roots widely moved out
    My life-time I do not want to count
    I want to throw my cones down without
    Any risk to get a man around

    Я хочу быть высокой сосною,
    Чтоб бездельничать век напролет,
    По утрам не расчесывать хвою
    И мыться, пока не польет.

    I would like to become a tall pine-tree
    To forget all the sorrows and pains
    To not brush my coniferous hair
    And not wash till it actually rains

    Чтоб не ведать конца и начала
    И не видеть асфальта в огне,
    Чтоб шуметь о своем величаво,
    Не заботясь о завтрашнем дне.

    To not know the start or the final
    To forget city noises and fumes
    To not think much about tomorrow
    To enjoy living space with no rooms

    Я хочу быть высокой сосною,
    Чтобы время катилось рекой,
    Чтобы ты, проходя подо мною,
    По коре проводила рукой.

    I would like to become a tall pine-tree
    To be perfectly gentle and calm
    When you, hidden in shade of my needles,
    Touch my bark with your delicate palm

  20. #20
    Senior Member jandros's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alexei View Post
    Thanks a lot. Sure, you are right. It's my stupid mistake. Has to be "Of", of course.
    How about the rest? Does it sound strange?
    Alexei, thanks for the link for Korolyova.
    I think the rest of "Time" sounds very nice! Again a good rendition/translation for lyrics.

    About Pine, just 3 things:

    2nd verse, "I would like my roots widely moved out": You can also say "moved widely out". Both are correct, but it seems more poetic to reverse the order of 2 words. But maybe it depends on the rhythm of the lyricsm the song? ... again, both are correct. But "moved widely out" sounds a little better.

    2nd verse again: "Life-time" should be written as "lifetime".

    4th verse, "To not know the start or the final", change "final" to finish". Explanation: "Finish" can be noun or verb. "Final" can also be a noun or adjective. But in this case, it's better to use the noun "finish", because it is far more common to say "the start and the finish".

    Everything else sounds great. In fact, my suggestions are very very minor, just "petty details" for perfection
    Having problems with vertigo for 2-3 days ... it's temporary, a mild case and it will pass, but for now I can't stay on the computer as much as normal :-/ ...

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