First Song Ever - constructive criticism please :)

The Spark:

There's a stain in the water
And it's spreading with the tide
Giving off vaporous fumes
The tainted waves subside

Like nothing will ever be the same
The soul starts to lose its way...

Defiant surges roll it deeper
Dark curls tinge the depths
Enclosing with hard fingers
The heart and mind feel kept

Like nothing will ever be the same
The soul starts to lose its way...

There's no hope for salvation
The poison works to prise apart
All the gleaming pieces
Making up the beating heart

Like nothing will ever be the same
The soul starts to lose its way...

Noxious fumes cascade in fire
New waves run across the face
Swells are brought back to life
The dark miasma is replaced

Like nothing will ever be the same
The soul starts to lose its way...
Until the scintilla came
Cleansing with searing flame

Sparkling waters as before
Warm beams plumb the soul
Clarity has been restored
Heart and mind are whole

Like nothing will ever be the same
The soul starts to lose its way...
Until the scintilla came
And cleansed with searing flame

omg i love it!! Good job.

nice, its all real stuff. i can picture everything your saying. good job!

Thanks guys

That's great - positive feedback on a first effort is a buzz.

BTW How you do "Thank" someone via the forum? In the rules topic I read about thanking people, and there's a thanks thing under each of our names, but I haven't found how to use it.

noone does it.. dont worry much about that

Ah okay, thanks

Great lyrics, i really like them!


Keep up!

Thank you very much

Oh my goodness, I LOVE this song!!!!And it's your first one??????That's awesome!!Are you going to post anymore?

Hi Acheramee. Thanks so much

Yes, I've posted one here:

http://www.allthelyrics.com/forum/ly...o-my-muse.html

I also have a new site for my lyrics at http://lyrics.rammstein.me

on the one side i like it ..
on the other side..
it's sounds like your aiming for mysterie...
expressing experiences in different words normally used..
Make it even more mysterious..
try to make up a centence that doesnt really make sense, but still it does...
continue on from that point but keep in mind you should allways follow the THEME of your song..

<Edit>Sorry, I posted my notes without explaining double-you tee eff they are. Below are the notes I made before I started writing, when I'd worked out the imagery I wanted to use.</edit>

The water is the subject of the song. It's the person in trouble. Its
waves are positive emotion; happiness, enjoyment, playfulness,
spontaneous silliness, humour, enjoyment, affection, etc. The clarity
of the water represents hope, optimism, clarity of
thought/feeling/intent, freedom, etc.

The taint can be thought of as an oil slick if you like, thought it's
more pervasive, as it does work down into deeper water. It represents
a toxic person or relationship in the life of the water person. It's
poisonous, subdues all the positive feelings, clouds and deadens those
elements represented by the clarity of the water, darkens the world,
and kills everything good it touches. It's negativity made liquid and
is entirely destructive to a healthy emotional life.

The spark or scintilla is the moment, person, circumstance, or moment
of clarity that brings the water person back to themselves and makes
them realise what (who) the problem is in their life, and why they're
unhappy. It's the catalyst for the toxicity to be purged. It lights
the cleansing fire, which is the water person taking control of their
feelings, life, and world.

The entire song is about the water person being bogged down and harmed
by the toxic person/relationship, then being enabled to save
themselves by the spark, and recovering.

Do you write the music for your songs?

Sadly, I don't have any musical ability at all (I'm all about cadence and words), but the good news is that I have a very good friend who does, and he's going to write music for this one, when he gets time.

chiq

you dont have any music??????


i rap and got a couple studios

if you need beats/music for your songs
just hit me up

ur lyrics are pretty fresh man

keep up the good work bruh

Hey

Sorry, I didn't see your reply until now, or I'd have responded to you sooner.

No, no music yet. I've got a buddy who's going to write some for the lyrics when he gets time, but thanks heaps for the offer and the compliments. I really appreciate both

I think its a great song , keep up the good work

Really good!! What genre of music do you have in mind for it?

Well, it's hard rock in my head, but I guess it could work quite well with a gentler sound. I really like the idea of a dirty great guitar solo before 'Sparkling waters...' though

I Play Guitar , and heavy / hard Rock , So i'l Take a Shot at it , since i have TOO Much Free time , but thats only if you want me to