Can anybody help me fix a couple lines?

Thread: Can anybody help me fix a couple lines?

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  1. UrbanCowboy said:

    Default Can anybody help me fix a couple lines?

    Hey guys,

    I'm working on a song right now, and I'm happy with most of the lyrics. But there are a couple of lines that aren't sitting too well with me. Can anyone give me some suggestions how to improve them? The ones I don't like are marked with an asterisk (*).

    Verse 1
    In the morning I look out the window
    See the traffic drifting below
    *All alone and feeling so apart

    With my coat and boots in the winter
    Crossing the plaza where in the summer
    *You held my hand and in it was my heart

    Chorus
    The streets they have history
    Puts me in a day dream
    Walking through my memories
    *Keeps my mind wandering

    *All that I can tell you
    *Is that I still want to
    Hold your body close to
    My heart beating, feel it beating

    Verse 2
    On the train I keep my eyes closed
    As the buildings rush past the windows
    *Iím in motion but keeping very still

    In the streetlights I watch my shadow
    Pass the door where so long ago
    *We were there, our hearts completely filled

    Chorus

    Any suggestions would be much appreciated. Cheers!
     
  2. MichelleMack's Avatar

    MichelleMack said:

    Default Help Arrives

    I have some sugguestions - I think it is a beautiful song. I hope you like what I added....

    Verse 1
    In the morning I look out the window
    See the traffic drifting below
    *alone and craving a new start

    With my coat and boots in the winter
    Crossing the plaza where in the summer
    *You held my hand and cradled my heart

    Chorus
    The streets they have history
    Puts me in a day dream
    Walking through my memories
    *keep them from slowly fading

    *Now what can I do (or) Now what is there to do
    *When all that I want is to
    Hold your body close to
    My heart beating, feel it beating

    Verse 2
    On the train I keep my eyes closed
    As the buildings rush past the windows
    *I'm moving fast, but standing still

    In the streetlights I watch my shadow
    Pass the door where so long ago
    *You and I, each other filled
    Last edited by MichelleMack; 09-22-2009 at 07:48 AM.
     
  3. cadyluna9 said:

    Default

    i like it.mabey be more presistance with the lyrics
    ths all......
    good job
     
  4. cadyluna9 said:

    Default

    thnx.lolz.but im not really a music genius.but thnx anyway.
     
  5. Lyricky said:

    Default

    I've got a problem. I am not really into singing like that but i do lots of raps and i really write lyrics but the problem is the rhytm'n. I need someone to help me with the tones in words. Dnt knw if i'm pass'n a msg!