the devils crime..looking for some critiquing

Verse 1:
Stuck listening to your hopeless lies
Waiting for a mind without suicide
I'm sure this time shes gone for good
Didnt even give it all you could
No matter what else i try and do
There will never be another me and you
The devil and god are fightin for my soul
So far im drowning in a world of blood
The blood of all those broken hearted
Makes us all feel so god damn retarded
For ruining life before it ****ing started

Chorus:
The devils waiting for me to die
Hes hoping for a self hatred suicide
Celebrating another ****ed up life
Laughing about how he designed love
To take down all of those who care
Watch closely as my eyes start to tear
Waiting for him to get near, goodbye my dear

Verse 2:
Watching as the world passes by
Trying my hardest not to cry
Why has it taken you so long
To admit your love wasnt strong
I wish mine couldve been wrong
Had me thinkin it was gonna be okay
Now im trying to get past this dark day
You were my queen and i had no crown
Slowly but surely its all crashing down
Listen as my life and heart hit the ground
Breaking into a million pieces without a sound

Chorus:
The devils waiting for me to die
Hes hoping for a self hatred suicide
Celebrating another ****ed up life
Laughing about how he designed love
To take down all of those who care
Watch closely as my eyes start to tear
Waiting for him to get near, goodbye my dear

Verse 3:
This situation leaves no more option
So when the sun lifts over the mountain top
The photos of our love will begin to drop
At the same time my heart will stop
The bullet shells will land in that spot
My soul will eventually get set free
The blood flow is no longer from me
No more waiting around on my knees
Praying to god to come and save me
So when you pass that yellow caution line
Dont stop to try and think back on all the signs
Just hate the devil for committing another crime

Chorus:
The devils waiting for me to die
Hes hoping for a self hatred suicide
Celebrating another ****ed up life
Laughing about how he designed love
To take down all of those who care
Watch closely as my eyes start to tear
Waiting for him to get near, goodbye my dear

bump/

I like it. I got into a good flow and I bet it would sound even better.

Wow,that was amazing,i could definitely feel what you were feeling.You are great at your work'

Wow this is really good
The third verse is amazing! (sad, but very strong=)
I'm not sure what to critique!

damn/didnt/know/it/was/good/haha/do/u/think/theres/n/e/thing/that/could/be/added/if/i/were/to/sell/it??

What do you mean by sell it?

look cody

you would benefit greatly from doing a little research on how to construct a song/lyric before you write anything else, to put it mildly its so hard to orate you'd never be able to sing it with a steady rhythm and beat, the dialogue is way over the top, sorry

pop into your local librbary and in the music section look for something on song writing and just take it from there, if you take that advice you'll never look back, because you know then what you learn has come from the pprofessionals and it can be trusted to improve your work.
gaining knowledge can be a hubling experience esspecially when you see where you've been going wrong.

best of look pal

JB