A Random Rhyme

The rhyme forms like a supercell over flat plains
with black rain and hail the size of frag nades.
You wanna war ? Clutch a sword.
I'll leave you cut in four on a bloody floor,
then dump the parts into a muddy ford.
I get dirty like Redman but artistic like Rembrandt.
I'm bettin' ten grand I'll snap the neck of an Em Stan.
Em is good, but there's better.
The capital third letter would sever his spinal cord with a lyrically sharp measure.
Verbal katana swords swung with the force to pierce boards a foot thick
is how I choose to handle most pricks.
I get busy like porn stars.
With four bars, I'll hit you with a force far greater than Fist of the North Star.

It's a bit messy. I like that you're creative with your rhymes and aren't shy to use near rhyme, but that being said the rhyming felt a bit forced, which is reinforced by the violent imagery. Use some more internal rhyme - I like the better/letter/sever/measure combo near the end. Sometimes I had a hard time interpreting the meter. It's a bit egotistical, so it looks like it's right on the mark.

My rhymes are like black magic
ancient poems on cracked tablets
or Black Sabbath
trippin' on tabs of acid
My rap is visual
so the paint brush is lingual
and strokes are syllables
which make the verse visible
but most will never see it
due t'human being's narrow credence
They pledge allegiance
t'anything for financial reasons
Greed is the evil
and if all men are equal
Why are there homeless people
while others buy million dollar vehicles ?
There's no balance
when I'm battlin' Mac, there's no challenge
He's a mouse and I'm a Golden Eagle with gold talons
soaring in a thermal updraft
among sun shafts
through Russian winds that gust past
like the Tunguska blast
I cause a giant shockwave
that cracks the Rushmore rock face
and seperates Lincoln from the ones that copped slaves
Most presidents are puppets
entertainin' the public
There's always someone else above 'em
who instructs 'em
cause it's all about the money and power
with these political cowards

I get dirty like Redman but artistic like Rembrandt.

great line man.

and the whole verse that starts with "My rhymes are like black magic" shows me just how poor my written lyrics are lol. definetly got talent. keep it up.

Originally Posted by AR.spry

I get dirty like Redman but artistic like Rembrandt.

great line man.

and the whole verse that starts with "My rhymes are like black magic" shows me just how poor my written lyrics are lol. definetly got talent. keep it up.

I appreciate the compliments, man.

Well, I'm probably old compared to yourself. I'm 29. I've been writing for a long time off and on, so, don't compare your work to nobody else's work but yourself. Just keep practicing and experimenting with rhyme forms and your art will improve.

I'm the gamma ray laser beam
obliterating teams
of fake MCs
before they can state their piece
because it's all bullshit
so I'm jackin' the pulpit
preachin' t'school kids
about the government's tool kit
4 outta 10'll get it
and 3 of the 4 will forget it
hence only 10 percent will actually remember the message
so **** it
I'd rather speak to the mature public
who understand the subject
with IQs of one twenty somethin'
I'm intelligent
I'll war when it's relevant
then crack your skeleton
like an African herd of elephants
There's so much irony
considering I'm ivory
5 foot 9 and tower over my rivalries