Tropical Paradise lyrics - NEED HONEST OPINIONS

Hi, I'm a a 16 year old lad from liverpool, who writes proper tunes with proper music.
I currently recording my first song, while I have tons written with serious lyrics the first is one entitled "Tropical Paradise" , a song of about a fantasy of leaving to some tropical paradise.
HERES MY PROBLEM - My brother says no one will take me seriously coz I'm 16 writing about this sort of thing.
tell me what you think

Tropical Paradise

I've been working and walking home through the frost
Its always raining, oh I feel so lost
I feel I need to move were theres beautifull women and beautifull views
No I can't stay , I really gotta gotta gotta get away

Chorus:
Matinis & French Bikinis
Senorita Magharita cant stop feeling these
Good vibes, or her warm thighs
Yes I'm happy in this Tropical Paradise

Spirits lift me high, up to blue skies
Right by the palm trees, under the ever greens, while the sun beams
On you and me, no we've got not place that we ought to be
And everyday by these waves...

Feels so right
'sippin'
Pina Coladas on ice
Lets dance in this sun together
And stay young forever

Chorus:
Matinis & French Bikinis
Senorita Magharita cant stop feeling these
Good vibes, or her warm thighs
Yes I'm happy in this Tropical Paradise





what do you think?
the music is great and really flows with the words
im just worried people will laugh at the topic coming from me

hmm I like it. It just sounds so fun and happy, who cares whether or not you've actually done those things
I think you should fix the 'no I can't stay/gotta get away' line though because it's cliche

Originally Posted by deadlydeadlybees

hmm I like it. It just sounds so fun and happy, who cares whether or not you've actually done those things
I think you should fix the 'no I can't stay/gotta get away' line though because it's cliche

Thanks alot its good to hear some one sees it from my point too!
And I know asactly what you mean about the cliche line, its just theres a melodic guitar passage after that line which sounds like 'im sailing away' (the actual lyric is sail away i just wrote the old lyric) and then when i the chorus comes its like ive arrived. But I would love to hear any other suggestions as I dont like cliche lyrics.

I also added another verse at then end to make it clear its a fantasy. It goes -

We are so young, being so dumb through thoughtless fun
We do no think go out to drink in summer sun
This fantasty of exstacy is far from me
But melodys and G's E's make them

Feel so real
Like I can feel
The blast of the heat
And the sand on my feet


I hate the end from "make them" to "feet" but i could think of anything to rythme with me after *but melodys and g's to e's"