Results 1 to 4 of 4
  1. #1
    texas_db
    Guest

    Default Another Drink Tonight

    This is my first thing i've wrote in a while, i'm not to good with words and putting them together but i thought i'd try to write something tonight.
    I love songs that sound upbeat but when u here the lyrics there really dark, so i tried to do that. So while i was sitting here having a drink i came up with this. Tell me what ya like or if u dont like it, feel free to crit me however you like, I will do the same if ya leave me a link to your work. Try to think of it with upbeat acoustic guitar chords played along with it.here it is

    I'm pouring another drink tonight
    I'm pouring another drink tonight
    To take one last sip before i die
    To watch the light fill my eyes
    I'm pouring one last drink tonight

    I'm sharpening all my knives tonight
    I'm sharpening all my knives tonight
    To make the cut far and wide
    To pour out all the battered lies
    I'm sharpening all my knives tonight

    I've gone and lost my way alright
    I've gone and lost my way alright
    Could someone take me by the hand
    And try to make me understand
    How I've gone and lost my way tonight

    I'm laying here thinking is there a light
    I'm laying here thinking if there was a light
    Please save us from this damned life
    Then let us suffer through hell and strife
    I'm laying here thinking where is the light.

    I can not keep from crying tonight
    I can not keep from crying tonight
    Before I lived and now I die
    For all I know I am a lie
    I can not keep from drowning tonight
    Last edited by texas_db; 01-09-2010 at 05:27 PM.

  2. #2
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default RE: Another Drink

    When i first saw your title I was thinking country but reading it I'm not so sure. The cadence suggests it is but it's a little dark/morbid for a country tune. "There's Been A Murder On Music Row" and other songs are kind of in this vein they're typically funny or tongue in cheek. Maybe alt country although I'm betting you were thinking this was a rock lyric? It has great potential either way. If you want country though I'd tone down the more morbid stuff.

    So I see this as your chorus:

    I'm pouring another drink tonight
    I'm pouring another drink tonight
    To take one last sip before i die
    To watch the light fill my eyes
    I'm pouring one last drink tonight

    Regardless of genre, 5 lines is unusual so I'd suggest clipping out line 2:

    And then the rhyme scheme doesn't line up quite right. I'd go with the following so eyes and die are near rhymes that fall in the right place, reversed their order so that the stronger of the two statements occurs last.

    I'm pouring another drink tonight
    To watch the light fill my eyes
    I'm pouring one last drink tonight
    To take one last sip before i die

    There are still some issues but that cleans it up.

    One thing I think would improve the verses to a professional level would be to choose some literary device like zeugma or alliteration and work it in where you can.

    For example read What is Alliteration and How Can it Improve Your Songs?

    at:

    http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Bill_E_Watson

    Great first effort. Definitely re-post after you've got a second draft and it would help a lot if you mention the genre you're aiming for....

    Timbo.

  3. #3
    Member chiQ's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    I'd have to agree with Tim, though rather than repeating the tonight on the third line I'd put alright. It emphasises the wry tone you seem to be after.

  4. #4
    Senior Member smileygal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Thanks
    3
    Thanked 18 Times in 17 Posts

    hiyya that is one awsome song! mayb u should try to put a chorus in it but its an awsome song!! keep writin!

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 7
    Last Post: 02-26-2010, 07:42 PM
  2. Tonight HELP! HAHAAA :)
    By Diddy 2088 in forum Lyrics Review
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 08-23-2009, 04:38 PM
  3. Tonight - Milk Inc :: English to Russian
    By impulssi in forum Russian / Belorussian / Ukrainian
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 08-18-2008, 06:09 AM
  4. Marwa- Ayza areez
    By mevrouwtheelepel in forum Arabic lyrics translation
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 01-31-2008, 09:24 PM
  5. Unusual but genuine request
    By cubix in forum Identify it
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 10-06-2006, 10:37 PM

Posting Permissions