She Denies

This is a song born out of frustration at my daughters mother for not letting me see my girl. Hope you like it, wish I didn't have to write it.



Verse 1
She wont let me near you
She wont let me see you
She wont let you leave her side
I hope you believe me
Ive tried....
but she denies

Verse 2
I dont want to miss any year
I dont want to miss your childish cheer
I dont want to miss your big brown eyes
Youre a little piece of me
One I rarely get to see
because she denies

Bridge
She doesnt work all week
So she gets her brief for free
The governments way of making sure
She has no daddy anymore

Chorus
What a messed up country
What a messed up rule
Whats an ordinary man like me
Supposed to do

She doesnt do talk
Ive tried
She denies

I apologize if my review is somewhat insensitive but I'm this is just my opinion and not anything addressed as an 'attack'.

If I hadn't been previously told what this song was about or inspired by I would quickly be able to make my own assumption as to what your writing about. Which in my opinion can be both a good or bad thing. Strictly from my personal preference, I tend to enjoy songs that allow the listener/reader to find their own relation to the piece and really find their own connection to the work. While I respect and can completely understand the need to feel a part of the song being the writer, I also try and think about what the listener/reader is going feel while reading.

Here are a couple key points I personally look for when breaking down a song while listening to it:

- how does this song make me feel? (a bit judgemental since I don't know what the music sounds like)
- can I relate to this song the lyrics?
- is there intensity, passion portrayed in the music and/or lyrics
- is there a message that is clearly understood or is deliberately meant to be mysterious and hidden

While looking for things like that when listening to a song, it tends to help me find key things 'wrong' (again, strictly subjective) with my own work.

If I may be so bold as to 'Pro and Con' your song:

PROS:

- Very personal. I think that's pretty obvious, I can tell how much this subject means to you and that connects me as a listener directly to YOU. Never a bad thing in my opinion.
- Very Passionate. Ex.

I dont want to miss any year
I dont want to miss your childish cheer
I dont want to miss your big brown eyes

- Good structure. I think that since each stanza progressively tells your story while have that 'break' to the chorus, it again shows some passion and it personalizes the song.

CONS:

- Too basic. I think you could do a little better with your choice of words in certain areas to seem less "Dr. Duessy". The line that specifically threw me off was,

I dont want to miss any year
I dont want to miss your childish cheer

- Somewhat repetitive. I don't know if having the first words in the chorus and both verses being the same was intentional, but it's one of the key things I quickly noticed. Not always a bad thing, I think it really depends on the flow of the music. Depending upon how the song as an entirety is, this could quickly be thrown in the "PRO" category. However, to somewhat contradict this statement, I think the repeated line "she denies" adds power to your song, so good job on that.

------------------------

Overall, I think this is a good start and I hope you can take anything you may disagree with with a grain of salt. I'd be interested in hearing the music as well if at all possible. I can tell this song is about a sensitive subject and I think it's great you're able to express it in an artistic form. Best of luck with your daughter.

It's my first review, so I hope I did a decent job.