First Song

Well, now that I have the right area to post this in, this is my first song I've ever wrote, its for a metal band please critique me.
I run away,
you hit the floor.
Your screams still ring inside my head.

Only if you'd just run away now,
go away so you're never seen.
then you'll see,
see the dark side of me.
Yeah, now you see ,
now you see the dark side,
the dark side of me.
Broken bones and bitter air,
you hit the floor.
how could this be?
Be the dark side of me.
What is this thing inside of me?
It always brings me to my knees.
My knees
there's no emotion left inside,
This is the dark side.
Yeah, now you see ,
now you see the dark side,
the dark side of me.
Run away now before it's too late
the dark side is coming, it cannot wait
so run away, be let free
be free from the dark side of me.

Not bad, not bad at all. I do have a couple suggestions. First would be to (if you were in fact trying to make some kind of rhyme scheme) mix up the rhyming a little bit so it's not so repetive. The other would be to find something a little different to say than "the dark side". You have it quite a bit in the lyrics, which makes what you're saying somewhat redundant and it gets old. Other than that, it's not bad for a first time out. I also write primarily metal. If you'd like you should check out some of mine. My newest one is on the first page "Wake Up Pt.2". What particular style of metal are we talking about here?

thx for the advice, its metalcore, like bullet for my valentine, shadows fall, that kind of stuff

Wow,this is really good,do you have anymore songs?

umm, no i'm about to write about 5 more before monday though and post them here, thanks for the compliment, do you have any songs of your own?

Yes,i have plentyWhy do you have to post your songs by Monday?

well, i don't i just figured i would write about 5 by monday but realistically it would be more like 2 or 3 lol.

Wow,that's still good.I usually post one a day.

heyyy! this is a good song! but like sewn up said you repeat yourself a bit. mayb try to change it a bit by adding other rhyming words.but otherwise it really good! cant wait to read ur next song!
xoxo smileygal

You repeat a little bit too much, but great idea for the song

Revisions up!
Thank you to everyone for their input, I hope it helped!