My first song

Rupturing World

Fallen into the rupturing world
from where no one ever leaves
living the truth that never is
living our fake interior peace!
ilusions of happiness all around us
weakenig every living soul
while they get their dreams smashed
by this ruptirng world
mirrors hiding the ugly
it's the lowest point of misery
creeping laughts into their heads
as they feed the beast with all there rage


when the mirror falls
and the beauty reflex is no more
only then they realize they are traped
on this rupturing world
oh
dreams of freedom are in their hands
fighting to get away of aprisionated lands
crushing all who oppose..
but in the end.. still they are closed on this rupturing world
(where no one leaves)


deep inside there are cries for help
whispers of uncertainty
disapiering as the illusion fills their brains
teaching them how to play their role
on this rupturing world


when the mirror falls
and the beauty reflex is no more
only then they realize they are closed
on this rupturing world
oh
dreams of freedom are in their hands
fighting to get away of aprisionated lands
crushing all who oppose..
but in the end.. still they are closed on this rupturing world
(where no one leaves)


fighting to get away of aprisionated lands
crushing all who oppose..
but in the end.. still they are closed on this rupturing world
(where no one leaves)



Since it is my first I'm not expecting muuch, but anyway i'm proud of it. I'd like constructive critics please

Originally Posted by Sev7n

Rupturing World

Fallen into the rupturing world
from where no one ever leaves
living the truth that never is
living our fake interior peace!
ilusions of happiness all around us
weakenig every living soul
while they get their dreams smashed
by this ruptirng world
mirrors hiding the ugly
it's the lowest point of misery
creeping laughts into their heads
as they feed the beast with all there rage


when the mirror falls
and the beauty reflex is no more
only then they realize they are traped
on this rupturing world
oh
dreams of freedom are in their hands
fighting to get away of aprisionated lands
crushing all who oppose..
but in the end.. still they are closed on this rupturing world
(where no one leaves)


deep inside there are cries for help
whispers of uncertainty
disapiering as the illusion fills their brains
teaching them how to play their role
on this rupturing world


when the mirror falls
and the beauty reflex is no more
only then they realize they are closed
on this rupturing world
oh
dreams of freedom are in their hands
fighting to get away of aprisionated lands
crushing all who oppose..
but in the end.. still they are closed on this rupturing world
(where no one leaves)


fighting to get away of aprisionated lands
crushing all who oppose..
but in the end.. still they are closed on this rupturing world
(where no one leaves)



Since it is my first I'm not expecting muuch, but anyway i'm proud of it. I'd like constructive critics please

As a poem I really like it. It's very cool

I'm not sure about it as a song though, as it seems to be inconsistent rhythmically, but that's just me. I really like songs to flow, so it's my personal preference more than an objective flaw.

Can you explain what aprisionated is? Is it meant to mean something like imprisoned?

You're probably aware of the spelling errors, so I'll leave those unless you want me to point them out

Originally Posted by chiQ

As a poem I really like it. It's very cool

I'm not sure about it as a song though, as it seems to be inconsistent rhythmically, but that's just me. I really like songs to flow, so it's my personal preference more than an objective flaw.

Can you explain what aprisionated is? Is it meant to mean something like imprisoned?

You're probably aware of the spelling errors, so I'll leave those unless you want me to point them out

yes i'm still working on my englih i wasn't sure about aprosionated. Imprisioned is what I meant. I'll ask a friend to correct the erros

I know what you mean about it being inconsistent rhythmically. I noticed that too but I will only be sure about that when I try to use it as a song in my band.

Thanks for the comment

any more comments? x)

I've read the lyrics, and I think they're great, i think that they could make a somewhat mellow music with some power parts... keep doing it, you could be a talent!!!

Originally Posted by DarkSlayer812

I've read the lyrics, and I think they're great, i think that they could make a somewhat mellow music with some power parts... keep doing it, you could be a talent!!!

Thank you!! Really! I've just posted my second