hey... this is my first post, a song dedicated to my late boyfriend. Creative criticism appreciated before I take it to my band x thanks x



I lost all faith in you
**** the trust, **** my friends
I just can't help myself
I wanted you to the end

You left me here to die
No more love, no more heart
I just can't help myself
I loved you from the start

Tomorrow's just another day to cry
Feeling hollow without you by my side
There's nothing that can cease the emptiness
But a ****ing suicide success

I don't want sympathy
Just them to understand
Caught between life and death
Waiting to take your hand

I miss your painted smile
A false hope you kept going for a while
Why hide what you felt
instead of leaving me in hell?

Tomorrow's just another day to cry
Feeling hollow without you by my side
There's nothing that can cease the emptiness
But a ****ing suicide success

In the last sentence of the first paragraph, i think there's a mistake... It should be till not to, i guess. Also in the second sentence of the second paragraph, I'm sorry, but i didn't understand the line... it's end is a bit, you know, "exposed"... You could have used core, or inner me or something else other than just "heart"..(i'm just saying)... I simply Loved the thing you did at the ends of the first 2 paras; the 'to the end' and 'from the start'. It was impressive. Also the ends of the next 2 paras are in the same way... just the last line of the 4th para didn't sound quite new to me... (but it doesn't matter!) The song's great, in all... You'll rock with this one...! just put in some really good music. The rest is good. All the best!!!

Originally Posted by Suveer

In the last sentence of the first paragraph, i think there's a mistake... It should be till not to, i guess. Also in the second sentence of the second paragraph, I'm sorry, but i didn't understand the line... it's end is a bit, you know, "exposed"... You could have used core, or inner me or something else other than just "heart"..(i'm just saying)... I simply Loved the thing you did at the ends of the first 2 paras; the 'to the end' and 'from the start'. It was impressive. Also the ends of the next 2 paras are in the same way... just the last line of the 4th para didn't sound quite new to me... (but it doesn't matter!) The song's great, in all... You'll rock with this one...! just put in some really good music. The rest is good. All the best!!!

thanks for the well thought out comment


I know the song's a bit weak, so I guess it needs a tune-up... I'm not sure about the use of heart either, but that will definitely be tweaked before we even start writing music for it- thanks x

its nice but just work on it


Everything you need to succeed in life's challenges is right inside of you

so workin harder ... then you ll climb to the top of your montain

ok

Tomorrow's just another day to cry
Feeling hollow without you by my side
i need you come back home
to keep me feel warm

Originally Posted by m.simos

its nice but just work on it


Everything you need to succeed in life's challenges is right inside of you

so workin harder ... then you ll climb to the top of your montain

ok

Tomorrow's just another day to cry
Feeling hollow without you by my side
i need you come back home
to keep me feel warm

I like your thinking, but I have to keep the last two lines of the chorus as they are for the rhythm.. Unfortunately its become a case of the music being more important than the lyrics