Expressive, yet in need of peer evaluation.

Hello. This is my first post on this forum.

I have been working on some lyrics recently, and I am not ready to call them 'done' until I recieve some feedback- good or bad. I did my best to avoid cliches and other such embarrasment, and the words come from a very 'dark' place, however, I am am comfortable there, and I hope these words accurately reflect that. I also attempted to leave the songs ambiguous enough so that a wide audience will be able to relate to them, yet specific enough that for the intelligent few, a clear meaning is easily available when the willful suspension of disbelief is not used.

Some of these songs are extremely long, others very short. I encourage you to read them all, of course.

(These songs are completely my own work, all credit goes to me, plagiarize and die, etc)

Without further ado:

Last Sunday

They brought you in the box

With the flowers on top and

Usher in the obscure thoughts

I hold the dirt I once called you

An old bone colored sand

I talk to you though you dont hear it

Sunlight reflects on the graves' lawn

Moss comes and makes its presence known

Raking its way across your eyes

But my memories will protect you

And the flowers that people leave here

They are put away and left alone

Like I do to you in the evenings

And on the fifth day I step off the school bus

And you're not around

I think, "What will I do now?"

And so I walk in socks

For fear that I might escape
------
Within the celestial sphere

On my last birthday, I have a chance

In the last frame of life, I have a chance

When it comes,

Nereid orbits and watches

Goodbye, my amorous nephograph

My aubergine cloudy
------

A person taken in this night

No will to wait this time

I look to the time when I'll be all done

Imagine me not awake but I'm alright

I lose all touch in no time

And open the door with ease

I'll get there but wont know it this time

Cant get up from here again

No days passing from this one

Nothing matters in this hour
------
This one already has chords to it- if anyone would like to play it on their guitar, go ahead!

A
It must be now when

G
Im lost in disaffection

2202 032---

And so I only see blue now~

A
What is the reason to

G
Not get bored with you

2202 032
When can I see you again~

2202 022030 0244 0355

A
I just cant help but see

G
That nothing interests me

2202 032
And so I only see blue now~

A G
How can I want to love you

2202 032
When everyone means nothing to me

2202 032
When can I see you again~

2202 022030
Do I only wake up for

2202 022030
I only wake up for

2202 022030
I only wake up for 2202 022030 0244 0355 2202 022030 /fade
------
Elegantly and deftly embraced

In my life such is disowned

And I cant believe my eyes

I think alone in quiet lows

Why?

Are you missing your friends

Or are they missing you

Days when I try to think why

It hits me and nearly kills me

And so

Part of me goes

How your eyes closed

No light at the end

Thats who I'll remember
-----
My Longest song yet:

Days build on others to make great weights

Inspiration flees and attractions all become frail

Its seems now concerns overwhelm me

I look for options by glaring at the floor

The brightest eyes I have ever seen

They do not look at me twice

Time does pass and I dont remember it

Insinuate no acceptance of loss, friendships dont sail

Its seems now concerns overwhelm me

I look for options by glaring at the floor

The brightest eyes I have ever seen

They never look at me twice

Days build on others too heavy to wake me

All I would love and my attractions have failed

I look for options by glaring at the floor

The brightest eyes I have ever seen

Would they ever look at me twice

I wont know,

Everyone and everything

Goes away in this moment so goodbye

And all the right pieces in all the right places

Will not solve the puzzle now

I look for options by glaring at the floor

The brightest eyes I have ever seen

Would they ever look at me twice

I wont know,

Everyone and everything

Goes away in this moment so goodbye

And all the right pieces in all the right places

Will not solve the puzzle now

I look for options by glaring at the floor

The brightest eyes I have ever seen

Would they ever look at me twice

I wont know,

Everyone and everything

Goes away in this moment so goodbye

And all the right pieces in all the right places

Will not solve the puzzle now
-----
My last song:

Dreams that will never be realized

The noise is your bright eyes

Adorned yourself with earrings

Yours is the noise of interstate reflection

Sharply intelligent, you light up my world

You are what I desire

Everything I would prefer?

Kindly beneath quiet leaves and shade trees

Why walk forward when

You are not there to meet me

But this fast I look down

And the end approaches

I count the days when we were the only ones

If there's a chance to see you, I'll take it

This fast I look down

And the end approaches

Running out of time, and still the only ones

If there's a chance to see you, I'll take it

This fast I look down

And the end approaches
------

If you read all of these songs, I'm sorry. I would love your input though. Please, only objective feedback. If you like it, why? If not, why not?

So many views, and no one has anything to say. This makes me very discouraged.

I love it. I love the interplay between lucid ambiguity/open applicability and the ever-so 'special'/specific 'grounding' elements.

Perhaps you'd get more feedback if you just split up the format a bit by putting a few lines of space between each song. At first glance it looks like a single unbroken piece which might be daunting to some.

Originally Posted by _SBU

I love it. I love the interplay between lucid ambiguity/open applicability and the ever-so 'special'/specific 'grounding' elements.

Perhaps you'd get more feedback if you just split up the format a bit by putting a few lines of space between each song. At first glance it looks like a single unbroken piece which might be daunting to some.

Thanks so much for replying. Your input is very valuable to me

You can add me on facebook.com/rrrobyp and look at my blog rrrobyp.tumblr.com too