Her Claim on Me Certified

passing the time in my, place all alone
minding my business that's, when she turned up
on my front doorstep she's, all soaking wet
someone i'd, rather forget

straightaway claiming that, she still owned me
eager to steal back something she'd sold
so long ago back when I was naive
bedazzled, by her fool's gold

now now girl you've burned my, bridge let's agree
(the) arson in you is unwelcome by me
stop thinking of me i'm, no longer here
how soaking, wet you appear

i backed her up she was, hissing at me
i's kinda hoping that, she would fall down
(i)gave the tiniest, nudge to be sure
she took a, dive on her own

she hauled me in on a, trumped up charge
costing me 3 whole, months of my pay
careful who tells you that, it's ok to
check a ho, with your pimp hand (bro)

so long ago back when, i was naïve
that night i gave her a, nudge to be snide
i burned my bridge when, she took that dive
her claim on, me certified

I just deleted my first post.Why?When I first read this,I didn't notice the commas.The way you post,sometimes appear to be one long sentence rather than the two separate thoughts that they are.That being said,good rhymes,good rhythm,good song.I'm trying to figure out why I overlooked this in the first place.Forgive me.

Originally Posted by Doug Denslowe

I just deleted my first post.Why?When I first read this,I didn't notice the commas.The way you post,sometimes appear to be one long sentence rather than the two separate thoughts that they are.That being said,good rhymes,good rhythm,good song.I'm trying to figure out why I overlooked this in the first place.Forgive me.

Thanks Doug.
I did look into the subject matter that you had suggested I might find interesting, and it was interesting- to be able to see those statistics, so thanks for that.
As for this ditty, I gather that you have gained a feel already for its planned rhythm, but tell me- about what is at the end of this link(a quick/dirty recording), is that sort of how the written word sounded rhythmically as vocals in your head? http://yourlisten.com/channel/content/16935175/e

I would like to improve how I notate all lyrics, so that they will better convey where exactly the rhythmic accents are meant to fall.
The link goes to a very quickly-put together prototype of these lyrics being sung poorly, but it should give the listener a basic feel for the beat that I have in mind.

Thanks again, Cheers

"Is that sort of how the written word word sounded in your head?"Ah,no.I'll tell you why.When I "sing"lyrics (in my head)I always have to find the "One".In other words,if you can't snap your fingers to it,to me,it fails*.I could snap my fingers to this,and,if we were in the same room,I'd be happy to put "the beat"to it.I like what you did however.I like both the guitar and the vocals.(I did have to plug in headsets to hear it)I reminded my of very early Bob Dylan.The style of rhythm you put to it.I think if you found some people to collaborate with,it'd be both beneficial and fun.
I think these lyrics have such a good "bounce"to them.If you cut a word here and there,it could really rock!

*fails only in the sense of timing.If it doesn't have a "count"you can hear or feel,as a drummer,I'm not happy.

Thank you. Yeah, I did a horrendous job of singing there, just wanted to throw it up quickly (a wave file to be hosted) on my way out the door. I've actually been collaborating for the past few months with one of my best buddies. He's much more technically proficient on the guitar than I am, not to mention he's got a knack/gift for coming up with excellent--almost ambiguous, in a good way--lyrics that really lend themselves to a wide range of possible interpretation. I'm 'the guy' with somewhat darker stories to tell because that is my history (escobar, venus, certified, etc), whereas he is more like a fountain of love song lyrics. It is good fun coming up with some kernel--a chorus or verse part, or maybe part of a riff or some chord changes--sharing it with him and then returning a week or so later only to be shocked at how much he did to improve and expand upon it. He has done that more than a few times now--I should ask him if he might consider posting some of his lyrics on this forum.
Anyways, thank you again very much for the feedback.