some criticism please

I'm in an ocean of loneliness
and I'm drowning
I say hello save me
but no one hears me
I can't breath
You just stand there staring down on me
I don't know why you can't see
the pain I carry with me
You just suffocate me
you put me down
I am screaming but there's no sound
Slowly I am drowing and you don't save me
You just stand there staring down on me

every cristicism is welcome but don't be mean please !!! *gg*

I like the subject....You are "drowning" but your lover just can't perceive this .I think it might be emotional drowning .....a GOOD idea..

Thanks, and yeah that's the subject I am writing about or trying to write about.. gg