DiplomaticDivide

Thread: DiplomaticDivide

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  1. thoughtprovoker said:

    Default DiplomaticDivide

    Diplomatic Divide
    In Government Guilds You Hide
    From The Facts Of Your Flaw
    What We Shall See And What We Saw
    Previously Preached Peace
    But We Witnessed War In The Raw
    Why The Large Lie?
    Via It For In Fame Infamy You Vie
    For The Unjust Things You Do
    It Should Not Apply
    But The White House Justice Not For You
    Thinking You Protect Us From Terrorism?
    Where We Not Involved In The Power Grab Schism?
    Gave Them The Weapons
    Are You Learning Your Lessons
    Political Unfit Convict Profit Crooks
    Think They They Know The Dogma Lawbooks
    But They Haven't A Clue
    Of What To Do And What Is True
    True Peace Is A Treat
    Goal Is Wicked Defeat
    We Are Not At Peace We Do Not Meet
     
  2. Halberd's Avatar

    Halberd said:

    Default

    I like it overall, Thoughtprovoker, it definitely provoked thoughts, I assume that was your intention ^^. But it needs woodshedding still, I'm afraid. Thankfully that part isn't too difficult.

    In the line:

    "Previously Preached Peace
    But We Witnessed War In The Raw"

    You have made an error in narration. Changing the narration is bad for the reader because it makes there mind slip. I suggest

    "We Previously preached peace
    But we witnessed War in the raw"

    Or perhaps

    "Previously preached peace
    But witnessed war in the raw"

    Now, to be honest, this isn't the first. This piece is filled with awkward verses, and I think the problem is that you're trying too hard to rhyme things together. Remember, sometimes it isn't all that important, don't sacrifice the meaning for the prose.
    http://www.allthelyrics.com/forum/lyrics-review/40239-untitled-thus-far.html

    Want to better the world? Critique my lyrics ^^
     

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