PLEASE NOTE: This is incomplete. These are merely ideas for verses and i'm just looking for a few opinions...

SONG:

I'm lying beneath the bandstand;
the place where we first kissed,
with a rusty f*cking razor blade,
cutting my f*cking wrists.

You dont think ill do it,
no, you dont think im game.
Well when i'm gone you can cry about it,
and it'll be such a f*cking shame.

As the time passes I wonder,
if it's worth it in the end.
But looking back you really were
a shitty f*cking friend.

I wonder why it's come to this.
Why i'm cutting my life short.
Well, i'll wonder when im sleeping.
Heres my final f*cking thought.

By the time you get this message,
i'll be long f*cking gone.
So heres a toast to the life I lived,
Miss me, and so long...


- By ME! (Sean Hudson)

This is supposed to be like a suicide note left to a lover.
Pretty informal to be honest.
Wanted it to sound like conversation.


PLEASE give feedback only if you are a fan of the genre. No flaming or any of that sh*t please.

THANKS.
Im not a frequent songwriter so please be merciful



SH09

Not too bad. The main complication I can really find is it almost seems like some of the lines were a little forced. While reading it, the flow and general tempo of it got a little off, but things like that are fairly easy to fix with simple additions and subtractions. All in all, you did a pretty decent job. Simple structure, simple language, easy to follow, and that's never a bad thing. Keep it up!

I'm lying beneath the bandstand;
the place where we first kissed,
with a rusty f*cking razor blade,
cutting my f*cking wrists.

It was good until the repetition of the word "f*cking." I would take one out, otherwise it just seems awkwardly forced.

You dont think ill do it,
no, you dont think im game.
Well when i'm gone you can cry about it,
and it'll be such a f*cking shame.

I thought this was incredibly cheesy and the rhymes were forced. Try to broaden your emotions to really emphasize what you're trying to say.

As the time passes I wonder,
if it's worth it in the end.
But looking back you really were
a shitty f*cking friend.

First two lines are good, the last two, however, can be better. I understand you want this to be deeply emotional, but you don't have to place curse words in every stanza. Let other words express your feelings and make people imagine how much it hurts/feels/etc.

I wonder why it's come to this.
Why i'm cutting my life short.
Well, i'll wonder when im sleeping.
Heres my final f*cking thought.

What happened to the rhyming scheme? This would've been a nice stanza but your structure got misconstrued.

By the time you get this message,
i'll be long f*cking gone.
So heres a toast to the life I lived,
Miss me, and so long...

Kind of a corny last line in this final stanza but you get your point across which is good.

Overall it's a decent song. You have the capability of writing some deep songs in this genre, just remember you can create words and phrases that don't have to rhyme or include curse words to deeply impact someone's emotions.

Good job, hope to see more from you!