A Simple Mistake

We danced 'til the evening dispersed into night,
Then lay in the darkness, cursing the light.
The sands of time scattered by the breath of sin,
With one story ending, another begins.

And the secret of love, how long 'til I know?
Will it fall like a comet or a blanket of snow?
Will it crush me and kill me, or pardon my heart?
It takes an old story ending for a new one to start.

But I couldn't contain you, you had to be free.
I was only a rock pool, while you were the sea.
Now I'm running dry without you by my side,
While other men come, and go, slaves to your tide.

I told myself daily, with time it would fade,
But time has a habit of turning up late.
I tried being bitter, it just didn't take,
I forgot not to love you, a simple mistake.

I'm standing alone now, out in the cold.
My memories age me, but never grow old.
Nostalgia's a shelter, a ghost, a disease.
And though I've never prayed, I'm down on my knees.

So I stagger on blindly to the house on the hill,
Where I beg for a bed and to work off the bill.
But while God sits morosely and nurses his gin,
It's the devil who greets me and welcomes me in.

you know, when i have lyric ideas i tend to write the same message out using different words multiple times..

like rewriting your lyric...
entirely rewrite it...
but use this version as a BIG inspiration...
like base the new one on this and then make it even better...
cause when you do this... and don't stop untill you see perfection in every centence.. Finaly, the perfect version will come out

So.. basically, i like it...
with some parts in particular..
but you should write more carefully before releasing it...

I understand what you mean about rewriting things until they are perfect, but that can end up taking months or even years. This is just a first draft i guess, but I feel that every version of something has it's own merits. I don't mind sharing new lyrics before they're completed, there are actually a number of other verses to this, but I felt that was a bit much. The opening two verses in particular need to be worked on, but that will happen when it happens. Right now I don't have the compulsion to work on this anymore, so this is it, in it's form as of now!

Songs don't have to rhyme!!

That really is a quite irrelevant reply to be honest.

Of course songs/poems don't need to rhyme. However, that doesn't mean that they never should.

I quite frankly don't understand the point you are making.

A massive amount of poetry and lyrics throughout history have all taken a rhyming structure as their base.

It may not be the finished article, but I don't think the fact that it rhymes is a problem. Other than possibly the ends of the opening two verses, I don't think any of the rhymes are particularly unnatural or forced.

If you are going to dismiss it because it rhymes, at least give some constructive criticism on which parts don't work.

It depends how long it takes you know...
If you take 3 days to do it.. and write it every day..
just mix up the lyric a bit .. put it all in place and be happy with the result!

the first verse for me is a very strong opening, quite strong that I actually thought you're going to have a hard time coming up with strong follow up verses, but you did!

I'm not sold on the flow though, i think you can still play around with some of the verses and lines to check which comes next or after to find the perfect fit and flow. I dont know if im making any sense, im new here and a frustrated artist so i dont think i have the credibility to even share my thoughts .

and ditto on your reply about the songs dont rhyme comment, but i think you wasted your time replying on that.