Ahlihsah's Journal lyrics
Hell = My February [x] March
I'm in a slight predicament:
• My laptop's motherboard is fried. (Scianara compare-and-contrast essay.)
• This means I have to hand-write two essays tonight to turn in tomorrow for English. (Uhm. Yay?)
So this is a list of things that the father-person has done for me, and I have to find some way to pay him back:
• 200$ for Driver's Education
• He's currently looking to purchase a new motherboard for my laptop; if he can't work with what is left.
So...what do I do for him?
Well, better figure something out if I plan on leaving state for Spring Break. D:
Another predicament: I am, yes me; Alyssa Myers, are becoming retarded.
...do I have any evidence to support this hypothesis, or am I just being pessimistic? Well, the gradual decrease of my vocabulary is evident, and now I lack mentality, or at least feel as if I do. I am no-less of a moral person, seeing as you have to have morals in order to be moral, but that has very little to do with mentality (we will assume); what I lack in morality I make up with having standards, for myself and others. (Everything is statistics to me. Le sigh.)
News in! Apparently I have until Friday to turn in my Romeo tragic-hero-thingy. (I will hand-write it tonight any-way so it really doesn't matter.) If anything, I am worried about this compare-and-contrast essay on the Odyssey and O' Brother Where Art Thou. Usually I just dick around and throw info together on a page, but now that they know I am capable of more, well...I am too competitive to not live up to their standards. (Let alone try to surpass them.)
I have continuously been disappointing myself when academics are concerned. I know I am better than this, ten times better even. Blame it on my ego but I can't stand being average, let alone below average. I have to best everyone by at least one step without standing out, and that co-conscience is nagging at me for it now. (My stubborn and arrogant nature precedes me.)
I have mastered the art of the semicolon!
I know how to spell "intelligent". Fottere tu, Chris.
ahlihsah | 03-05-2007 @ 03:06 PM UTC
January 31, 2007
This dream tops all of them; even the reoccurring dreams of that church massacre.
Maybe the sudden sleep deprivation is getting to me. (As if Insanity weren't already knocking at my door.) Who dreams of being pregnant? Honestly, I...I feel so weird now. I remember Chrissy waking me up, and I remember feeling my stomach and finding it flat. The emotions at the time were bizarre...I was upset.
As far as the dream let on there was no father, either that or I was playing ignorant and fooling myself in the process. I was in an unfamiliar place and surrounded by people I didn't know. I have no clue how old I was at the time and I was extremely confused.
Even though I didn't know how it happened or who the father was I still planned on keeping it, and I secluded myself from everyone else to avoid their questions and or criticism, or maybe I just wanted to be alone. I was happy as far as I could tell.
I had this whole motherly and protective persona. Maybe a bit too over-protective. No one was allowed to touch me, and I was more than a little paranoid. I was seriously afraid of all the people who loathed me, afraid they might hold some sort of vendetta that they'd even go as far as harming an unborn child. My child.
ahlihsah | 01-31-2007 @ 04:35 PM UTC
Stray ideas. Stray, so stray. Even when I have a pen and paper they always stray, and the ones left still hide. The burden I feel is the weight in my head, and their teasing makes me shake with minor, and insinuate through very small flows of anger. They hide, but why? Do I feel them so personal that I hide them from myself? If so, why am I protecting myself from me? I and Me. The makings of a split-personality one would want to assume. One emotion, I, and the other thought; Me. Minor or major exaggerations concerning my past have confused the person I am. Those who do know me as Me know many of the lies. When will Me be silenced and I introduce itself? Spite and or Karma had bewitched me with one of their spells. Maybe this realization has broken it; a sign. I feel so at peace for the first time in so long. I shake now. I should be silenced. I believe they think I should become silent. It's only fair I give in to their trade.
Is this the true repent? One can admit their wrongs when concerning their God, but only if you repent to yourself can you be forgiven. You can only forgive yourself for what you have done, rather than ask one that you have not wronged to forgive you for your wrong-doings. I've wronged myself. Maybe I will forgive Me, finally after so long and lay Me to rest.
ahlihsah | 01-09-2007 @ 03:56 PM UTC
It's called reality for a reason.
What's an artist's best quality? Experience.
ahlihsah | 12-19-2006 @ 04:20 PM UTC
I'm so pissed off right now. Katie broke up with Anna last night. As if the drama weren't enough. So I cheer Anna up and introduce her to Jesse who will help out a lot too, seeing as he helped me out with my issues. Anna said she wanted to get drunk, and I can't stop her, can I' I can't say "no" because she will or will not without my permission, so I told her she could as long as she didn't get alcohol poisoning. So I told Katie about everything, basically so she wouldn't worry about Anna commiting suicide, and yeah. Of course she responded like a complete and utter bitch. All in all, I'm sick of her shit. Friend of mine as of now? Hardly.
ahlihsah | 12-15-2006 @ 03:50 PM UTC
We're supposed to be taking an online test for English, but alas, it's boring the Hell out of me. (And I need my inner Hell?) I will never understand that term... Any-who.
ahlihsah | 12-14-2006 @ 03:03 PM UTC
ahlihsah | 12-13-2006 @ 03:11 PM UTC
Katie is really annoying when she "drinks Mountain Dew in the morning". It's extremely obnoxious. I don't care if she has ADD or ADHD. No one should have an excuse -not- to listen. Not that I have it, but people can hear. Last time I checked she wasn't deaf, it might be hard but she chooses not to listen, and that pisses me off. Maybe it has something to do with their upbringing. My dad would have backhanded me if I -ever- acted that way. I haven't a clue. This is just a bitch rant.
ahlihsah | 12-13-2006 @ 03:09 PM UTC
misogyny -- "hatred of women"
misandry -- "hatred of men"
misogyny --> dichotomy <-- misandry
cynical, narcissism, conceit
ahlihsah | 12-12-2006 @ 04:23 PM UTC
Sometimes people find themselves in relationships so easily because they want to be cared for, and in turn care for something. Afterall, everyone's afraid of dying alone...right? So if you're capable of caring why not care? Why wait until it's too late? It shouldn't be that scary, seeing as you could always just say "no", and when they end, they simply end. So why wait for that one relationship that will tear your to pieces and be disgarded later? I'm not asking for emotional wounds, I'm merely asking for someone to be my bandaid.
ahlihsah | 12-11-2006 @ 03:59 PM UTC
Él es loco
I'm such an idiot. Honestly, I think I should be shot. Yesterday I wanted to post a journal entry stating that it has been one month since Joshua and I split, but I didn't. It didn't seem that important of a topic anymore. (The way I easily get over things is semi-frightening.)
So alas, here I am. On the month aniversary of my split with "sir asshole" and someone confronts me with a request. He had a cute way of going about it, but whoa... Él es loco. Honestly, you can't be very sane to ask me out, can you. (Rhetorical question.)
When Katie finds out she's going to flip, and when I say flip she's going to go nuts, but she'll deal; she doesn't really have much of a choice on the matter. I have a tendency to date people she doesn't like. (James & Joshua for instance.) Yet this one isn't an asshole so it's an improvement.
Let's compare the statistics, shall we?
Subject 1: James -- A relationship that lasted about a year. He made moves on a compulsive flirt, Ashley; at the time we had been dating for about three weeks. The majority of the time I spent with him alone he usually spent pestering me about getting into my pants, or getting me out of them. (A year of not getting any would drive anyone insane.)
Subject 2: Joshua -- A relationship that lasted just about four months. Let's see the cost of damage: He could never do wrong, therefore I was blamed for everything. If he didn't degrade me (assumably to make himself feel better), then he degraded me for the mere sake of degrading something. He broke promises, he lied, and regardless of whether or not I still care for him I wouldn't date him if a gun was held to my temple. (Split of mutual terms.)
Katie, I'm sorry for the drama I put you through. I do have a problem picking a good spouse, one you like, but this one is an improvement by far. I promise.
ahlihsah | 12-08-2006 @ 04:29 PM UTC
Alright, something bizarre. Yesterday I was talking to Anna about Zack's and my history. For instance I told her how I had a crush on him in grade 7 and how it feels like we're in two different worlds. Unsurprising as it is Katie IMs me with "Zack has a girlfriend." So I respond with, "I'm more than aware." Damned Anna. I hate it when she does that. I'm not looking for a relationship with Zack, and I sure as Hell wouldn't do that to Jamie. (Against popular belief I do have morals.) Zack and I are just friends, though when I was talking to Anna I told her about how being around him made me comfortable. Then today he comes into Band and sits beside me, which he usually does everyday. I sit by the door, back against the bookcase, watching everything going on outside, and he walks in a few minutes later and sits or lays down beside me or with his back to the wall in front of me and we talk. Today he was very mellow. Naturally I'm not a morning person. Hello, nocturnal. So he asked me if anything was wrong and I answered with simple "no"s. Then things were said. Nothing personal I assure you, but basically he said that "I'm glad that we're friends." Or something along those lines. Whether or not he was looking for reassurance or clarifying his standing with Jamie as them being boyfriend and girlfriend, I'm not sure. But it mirrored my conversation with Anna the night before nearly word-for-word. Awkward, no? (Anna, you probably won't be able to see this, but it's not anything I wouldn't say to your face, and it's not meant offensively, but you're a terrible informant.)
ahlihsah | 12-01-2006 @ 04:17 PM UTC
I've had a very awkward day. It started off with waking up after about three and a half hours of sleep and taking a shower, then going back into my room and laying down for twenty minutes. Within this time I had a dream I was sleeping in the parent's room, and Chrissy just came back from waking everyone up and laid back down. So I sneaked out the best I could without waking Chance up (who was sleeping in his crib, mind you he sleeps with the parents on the bed, not in his crib) and then the dream shifted to me sitting on the bed with a friend of mine laying out on it watching TV or something and talking to me about... I don't know, something. It's reoccuring, though they're like episodes. I lay down beside him after a few moments of talking, and he rolls over to face the opposing direction. Oddly I place a hand upon his side and he rolls carefully back over, taking my hand in his own. Then I wake up.
I know, right? Like what the Hell. Dreams are so weird, but I've been dreaming more as of late. (Though I'm sleeping less as well.) Maybe I should make a dream log or something. I know I should be using Xanga for posts like these, but this place seems to be more private.
ahlihsah | 12-01-2006 @ 04:06 PM UTC
Who's counting ?
Four weeks today. Still no word. (And this doesn't bother me.)
Why are boys so naive? Honestly. You can push them away, maul them bloody fucking senseless, and they'll in some way forgive you. Mind you, it's on ly an example.
Jesse didn't get on at all yesterday and Everett IMed me to "confess" his feelings for me. Apparently he just thought I should know? It's awkward. I talked to him on and off for a week, and haven't said one word to him since summer, and gradually through noncommunication he's developed a sort of obsession of me. Boys... Are stupid. (Sexist comment, therefore biased.)
ahlihsah | 11-28-2006 @ 03:57 PM UTC
Doctors would call it euphoria, but I call it relief. The break-up seemed horrid, but I'm not longer on my knees. The thought of you doesn't disgust me, but the lies you told tastes foul; what is it about you that provokes mental breakdowns ? Honestly, you're just a boy. How in the Hell did you get to me ? (I think now that you're gone the arrogance proceeds.) There's no spite when I think of you -- and at the time -- of us. You treated me like shit but little harm was done.
ahlihsah | 11-22-2006 @ 04:35 PM UTC
It's been three weeks since yesterday, and I don't miss him. He said he might call now and then to see if I'm alright but I highly doubt it. I guess all that was said for the sake of an easy break and goodbye.
Something about the break-up brought me to my senses. What on Earth was wrong with me ? Honestly. I look at what happened between the two of us -- the good and the bad -- and I'm disgusted at myself. That was unlike me, and degrading.
I loved him, and in some way I'll always love him, but what happened between us will never happen again.
There's a lot of shit he pinned on me. Arrogant son of a bitch, he could -never- be wrong, therefore I had to be. He took an interest in drugs and blamed it on me cutting my arm. Oh the lies. C3, Weed, and now after two weeks of no talk between the two of us Raziel informs me Morphine was involved as well. Personally -- if it was all because of me -- I hope he overdoses and dies.
Other than that I hope he has a happy life ? I hope things work out for him and he doesn't do something stupid, or kill himself. That would be bad, very bad indeed. I feel no remorse over the break-up... In fact, I feel "infinite". Ha.
(I'm no longer suicidal. I guess he had something to do with that too. I don't know. Katie didn't like him, and I knew for a fact he was an asshole, but the answer to the question I'm looking for is why did I stay ?
ahlihsah | 11-22-2006 @ 04:22 PM UTC
Tao Te Ching
When people see some thing as beautiful,
other things become ugly.
When people see some things as good,
other things become bad.
Being and non-being create each other.
Difficult and easy support each other.
Long and short define each other.
Before and after follow each other.
Therefore the Master
acts without doing anything
and teaches without saying anything.
Things arise and she lets them come;
things disappear and she lets them go.
She has but doesn't possess,
acts but doesn't expect.
When her work is done, she forgets it.
That is why it lasts forever.
ahlihsah | 11-08-2006 @ 04:35 PM UTC
"I guess it's become our lifelong goal to win our parent's approval, like it or not. Especially when getting their approval is like being struck by lightening: shocking enough to kill and highly unlikely ever to happen."
Don't Sleep With Your Dummer
by Jen Sincero
ahlihsah | 11-07-2006 @ 04:31 PM UTC
I spent the majority of my Spanish hour writing two poems, and the rest of my English hour revising them. I even managed another poem, which is in two parts because Poetry.com has a limit up to 20 or 21 lines. I decided to do something less... emotional, I suppose.
ahlihsah | 10-30-2006 @ 04:35 PM UTC
Me and mah Tigger.
(Mah Tigger and I ?)
Today started off sucky. It remained sucky, or has been sucky up until this point (seeing as I've yet to attend my other classes and all in all finish my so called day). Fourth hour, DigiTools. I'm pretty much quoting lyrics of Nirvana's song "Smells Like Team Spirit" in this class.
Who wants homicide ! I want homicide !
Load up on guns, bring your friends. It's fun to lose and to pretend. She's over bored and self-assured. Oh no, I know a dirty word. Hello, hello, hello, how low ? Hello, hello, hello, how low ? Hello, hello, hello, how low ? Hello, hello, hello. With the lights out it's less dangerous. Here we are now, entertain us. I feel stupid and contagious. Here we are now, entertain us.
When and if I have nothing left -- and if I can find a few of my friends who can say the same -- I want to attempt a "game" like that. It's like suicide except not in technical terms. "Allow me to assist you in your suicide." Comes to mind. Oo ~ Morbid, and cheesy.
My inability to breathe is most likely psychological. Maybe it's a little of claustrophobia ? My room isn't very big and it's really cluttered so it could be a sub-conscious thing going on here. All I have to do is focus on something else and repeat to myself it's all in my head and it kind of returns to normal.
I brought my "Sanity Item" to school today. Mah Tigger. <3.
I'm reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower", which has yet to show what those "perks" are. Though, it's really interesting, even though everything that's happened in it is familiar. That's the thing about it, though. It's things that happen everyday and are basically the "taboo" of society. The ineffable events that people look over or avoid bringing up. I read something about this book being a disgrace because of the events in it. Such as rape, sex, drugs, abortion, homosexuality, and at the end of the book it's supposed to have something about incest.
Personally -- though my school doesn't have a summer reading list -- "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" is a book everyone should read. Even if just once. I'm almost finished with it. Now to decide who to lend it out to first, Chrissy or Katie ?
I think my parents know I'm suicidal prone, or at least Chrissy does. She worries about me, I can tell. It's obvious in the way she's been acting since I posted that bulletin on MySpace. In all honesty sometimes I forget she's on there, and it doesn't bother me because besides a mom-figure she's also one of my best friends so I didn't think twice as to whether or not she should know, or shouldn't know.
I'm kind of relieved, actually. If things go bad with 'Ua -- keep in mind "if" -- maybe knowing that they know, as well as a few friends, will be motivation enough not to do anything. Still self-distructive but that habit is an off and on sort of thing.
I'm trying to convince Katie to get an Xanga. I want to know her thoughts on things seeing as we don't talk as much as we use to. It's not a scary distance, we can still talk about pratically everything but I don't socialize with her enough at school to get an idea of what's going through her head, like I use to.
I know no one really reads this, nor do I mind.
ahlihsah | 10-24-2006 @ 03:14 PM UTC
12/15 - Indianapolis, IN - Pepsi Coliseum
( Cost of tickets !? Someone help me. )
ahlihsah | 10-11-2006 @ 02:57 PM UTC